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To Boddah

ps: Boddah, ami imaginaire de Kurt pendant son enfance.

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd, which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage . I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive.
I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know! I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out then to fade away.
Peace, Love, Empathy

Kurt Cobain

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!

Parlant du point de vue d'un niais qui en a vu et qui, visiblement, préférerait être un gamin émasculé, cette lettre devrait être assez facile à comprendre. Tous les avertissements qui m'ont été donnés, au gré des 400 coups du punk rock, depuis ma découverte, dirons-nous, de l'éthique qu'impliquait l'indépendance et l'embrassement de votre communauté, se sont avérés justifiés. Je ne ressens plus d'excitation à écouter ou même à créer de la musique, alors que je lis et que j'écris depuis trop d'années maintenant. Je me sens coupable au-delà des mots, de tout cela. Par exemple, comme nous sommes en coulisses, que les lumières s'éteignent et que les hurlements frénétiques de la foule commencent à se faire entendre, cela ne me touche pas, comme cela pouvait l'être pour Freddie Mercury, qui semblait aimer et se délecter de l'amour et de l'adoration de la part de cette foule, ce que j'admire et envie totalement. Le fait est que je ne peux vous tromper, aucun d'entre vous. Ce n'est honnête ni pour vous ni pour moi. Je pense que le pire crime serait de tromper les gens en inventant et en prétendant que je prends du plaisir à 100%. Des fois, je me sens comme si je devais pointer avant de monter sur scène. J'ai tout essayer avec ce qui était en mon pouvoir pour apprécier cela (et je l'apprécie, Dieu crois-moi, jel'apprécie, mais ce n'est pas assez). J'apprécie le fait d'avoir toucher et diverti beaucoup de gens. Je dois être l'un de ces êtres narcissiques qui n'apprécie les choses que quand elle sont parties.
J'ai besoin d'être légèrement engourdi pour retrouver l'enthousiasme de mon enfance. Au cours de nos 3 dernières tournées, j'ai eu une bien meilleure appréciation que j'ai connu personnellement et aussi des fans de notre musique, mais je suis toujours incapable de surmonter la frustration, la culpabilité et compassion que j'ai pour tout le monde. Il y a du bin dans chacun de nous et je pense que j'aime tout simplement trop les gens, tellement que cela me rends foutrement triste. Le triste petit sensible, insensible, Poissons, homme Jésus. Pourquoi ne pas simplement se réjouir ? Je ne sais pas ! J'ai une femme divinine qui transpire l'ambition et la compassion, et une fille qui me rapelle trop ce que j'aivais l'habitude d'être, plein d'amour et de joie, , qui embrasse chaque personne qu'elle rencontre parce que chacun est bon et ne lui fera pas de mal. Et ça me terrifie au point que je peux difficillement fonctionner. Je ne peux pas me faire à l'idée que Frances puisse devenir le rocker misérable, autodestructeur et suicidaire que je suis aujourd'hui. J'y suis bien, très bien, et j'éprouve de la reconnaissance, mais depuis l'âge de 7ans, je suis devenu haineux envers tous les humains en général. Seulement parce que ça semble si facile pour les gens de s'en aller et d'avoir de la compassion. Seulement parce que j'aime et me sens désolé pour les gens, trop je pense. Merci à tous depuis le creux de mon brûlant et nauséeux estomac, pour vos lettres et intérêt durant les années passées. Je suis trop d'un erratique, maussade, bébé ! Je n'ai plus la passion, et alors rappelez-vous, c'est mieux de brûler d'un coup que de s'éteindre à petit feu.
Paix, Amour, Compassion

Kurt Cobain

Frances et Courtney, je vous adorerai toujours.
S'il te plaît continue Courtney, pour Frances
Pour sa vie, qui sera bien plus heureuse sans moi.

JE VOUS AIME. JE VOUS AIME."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate myself and I want to die...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1st holy writ

 

part III

I need an easy friend, I do ... with an ear to lend, I do ... think you fit this shoe, I do ... won't you have a clue,
I'll take the advantage while you hang me out to dry, but I can't see every night, free, I do,
I'm standing in your line, I do ... hope you have the time, I do ... pick a number too, I do ... keep a date with you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2nd holy writ



part I

load up on guns and brings your friends, it's fun to lose and to pretend, she's over bored and self assured, oh no, I know a dirty word
hello...
with the lights out, it's less dangerous, here were are now, entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious,
here we are now, entertain us, a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,
yay !
I'm worse at what I do the best, and for this gift I feel blessed, our little group has always been, and always will until the end
hello...
with the lights out, it's less dangerous, here were are now, entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious,
here we are now, entertain us, a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,
yay !
and I forget just why I taste, oh yeah, I gess it makes me smile, I found it hard, it was hard to find, oh well, whatever, nevermind
hello...
with the lights out, it's less dangerous, here were are now, entertain us, I feel stupid and contagious,
here we are now, entertain us, a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido,
yay !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 


part III

come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be, as a friend, as a friend, as an old enemy.
take your time, hurry up, the choice is yours, don't be late.
take the rest, as a friend, as an old memoria,
memoria...
come dowsed in mud, soaked in bleach, as I want you to be, as a trend, as a friend, as an old memoria
memoria...
and I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun...
memoria...
memoria and don't have a gun...
and I swear that I don't have a gun, no I don't have a gun...

 

 

 


 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 



part V

I'm so happy 'cause today I've found my friends... they're in my head, I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you...
we've broken our mirrors, sunday morning is everyday for all I care... and I'm not scared, light my candles, in a daze 'cause I've found god
hey, hey, hey...
I'm so lonely, but that's okay, I shaved my head... , and I'm not sad, and just maybe i'm to blame for all I've heard...
but I'm not sure, I'm so excited, I can't wait meet you there... but I don't care, I'm so horny, but it's okay... my will is god
hey, hey, hey...
I like it, I'm not gonna crack, I miss you, I'm not gonna crack, I love you, I'm not gonna crack, I killed you, I'm not gonna crack.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



part XII

underneath the bridge, the tarp has sprung a leak, and the animals I've trapped, have all become my pets, and I'm living off of grass,
and the drippings from the ceiling, it's okay to eat fish, 'cause they don't have any feelings...
something in the way, mmm, something in the way, yeah, mmm...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



part XIII

silence, here I am, here I am, silent,
bright and clear, it's what I am, I have, died,
mother...
death, with violence, excitement, right here,
died, go to hell, here I am, right here,
no mas...
death, is what I am, go to hell, go to jail, in back of that, crime, here I am, take a chance, dead !
die !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

last testament

 

part III

she eyes me like a pisces when I am weak, I've been locked inside your heart shaped box for a weeks,
I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap, I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn back,
hey ! wait ! I've got a new complaint, forever in debt to your priceless advice... your advice
meat eating orchids forgive no one just yet, cut myself on angel's hair and baby's breath,
broken hymen of your highness I'm left black, throw down your umbilical nose so I can climb right back.


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


part VI

I'm not like them but I can pretend, the sun is gone but I have a light, the day is done but I'm having fun,
I think I'm dumb or maybe just happy, think I'm just happy...
my heart is broke but I have some glue, help me inhale and mend it with you, we'll float around and hang out on clouds,
then we'll come down and have a hangover, have a hangover...
skin the sun, fall asleep, wish away, the soul is cheap, lesson learned, wish me luck, soothe the burn, wake me up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

part VIII

I am my own parasite, I don't need a host to live, we feed off of each other, we can share our endorphins,
doll steak ! test meat !
look on the bright side is suicide, lost eyesight I'm on your side, angel left wing, right wing, broken wing,
lack of iron or sleeping,
I own my own pet virus, I get to pet and name her, her milk is my shit, my shit it is her milk,
test meat ! doll steak !
protector of the kennel, ecto plasma, ecto skeletal, obituary every birthday, your scent is still here in my place of recovery.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

part XIX

I'm on my time with everyone, I have very bad posture,
sit and drink pennyroyal tea, distill the life that's inside of me, sit and drink pennyroyal tea, I'm anemic royalty,
give me a leonard cohen afterworld, so I can sigh eternally,
I'm so tired I can't sleep, I'm a liar and a thief, sit and drink pennyroyal tea, I'm anemic royalty,
I'm on warm milk and laxatives, cherry flavored antacids,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

part X

use just once and destroy, invasion of your piracy, afterbirth of a nation, starve without your skeleton key,
I love you for what I am not, I do not want I have got, a blanket acne'ed with ciggarette burns, speak at once while taking turns,
what is wrong with me...
I'm gonna do with what you think, if you ever think at all, bi polar opposites attract, all of a suddent my water broke,
I love you for what I am not, I do not want I have got, a blanket acne'ed with cigarette burns, second rate third degree burns,
what is wrong with me... what do I think of me ?
hate, hate your enemies, save, save your friends, find, find your place, speak, speak the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

part XII

what else should I be, all apologies, what else could I say, everyone is gay,
what else could I write, I don't have the right, what else should I be, all apologies,
in the sun, in the sun I feel as one, in the sun, in the sun, I'm married, burried,
I wish I was like you, easily amused, find mu nest of salt, everything is my fault,
I'll take all the blame, aqua seafoam shame, sunburn with freezeburn, choking on the ashes of her enemy,
in the sun, in the sun I feel as one, in the sun, in the sun, married... burried !
all in all is all we are...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


"I'm filled with boundless admiration for Neil Young, his career is exemplary. He has done everything, he has tried everything. He has never given to the people what they waited for. I would like to grow old like him. I would like to be considered as a songwriter, not just like Nirvana's leader."

- september 1993

 

Kurt Cobain
(1967 - 1994)

 

 

 

 

Copyright - All words by Kurt Cobain ( according to photos of Youri Lenquette & Renaud Monfourny )